![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missing out
Jul. 23rd, 2020 10:26 pmrecently, i fell over a webtoon about teenagers in love, and while it was really cute, it quickly made me feel very, very hopeless. this feels sort of embarrassing to even write out, and it's not something i have an easy time talking about either, but i think that's the norm anyway. we all try to avoid talking about the things that make us feel ashamed, or not good enough.
i think particularly for queer and lgbt people, it's normal to feel like your youth or teen years don't really match up with what society tells us its supposed to be like. many of us don't experience our many "firsts" until years after people normally do, or the people in the movies at least. and with the effect of social media, i don't even think you need to be lgbt to feel behind compared to the rest of the world as a young adult, not with how everyone is constantly showing us all of their victories and carefully curated parts of their lives, leaving out their own failures and doubts, making us think there must be something wrong with us in particular.
I fell over this tweet a few days ago too, and, being 23 myself, it made me laugh a little. it also made me feel less alone about feelign completely and utterly hopeless and behind on most areas in life. just recently, i went to a high school class reunion, and i was the only one with a masters degree already, which isn't really a surprise. part of me felt like i had wasted time just rushing through school, with little to no experience with working, living by myself, romantic partners, and having traveled less than most of my ex-classmates despite that being one of my main interests. on the other hand, i got told several times that night that i was the grown up and that they felt behind.
life, of course, isn't some competition or weird game where you can level up and become a proper adult when you've cleared a list of tasks (partner✓, move out✓, degree✓, full time job✓, etc). and what works for others might not work for you, either, so comparing ourselves to everyone else, or the little vignettes of their lives they willingly share with us, doesn't really make any sense.
something else i saw on the day i read the webtoon and my reading-induced hopelessness was at its highest was a question my old friend answered on her instagram story (she's become instagram famous these last few years and have a lot of young fans) about being so successful in life as a young adult. her answer was that she actually felt like some sort of alien who wasn't good at all at being human, that she felt too much and got upset all of the time. now, this girl, whom i used to be very close to, is an influencer as her main source of income and earns much more than i do, is known for being rich and maybe a bit airheaded, and doing pretty much nothing but traveling, eating out and looking cute with her boyfriend. i'm not trying to make any statement about how easy her life it, but rather about how she does seem to have "made it" according to a lot of people, or at least live a pretty comfortable life with the ability to pursue whatever dreams she has (like the webshop she opened). even when i was close to her, i always thought she seemed like the kind of person who just walked through life with very few obstacles due to her sweet and easygoing nature, so it did surprise me a bit, but it also made me, once again, feel much less alone and much more like feeling lost is more the norm than the exception to the rule for young adults.
i think, despite how we would all like to come off to others as having it all figured out, or at least on our way towards our long-term goals (do i even have those? i'm still not sure i'm going to make it to 25), most of us are just trying to do our best. and with how the world is doing right now, that's all we can ask for.
ugh, this post took a turn in the wrong direction, maybe because i've been unemployed for like 3 weeks now and i'm not enjoying it, or because even now i'm still way too embarrassed to admit the fact that i just wanted to vent out my frustrations about my insecurities over my complete lack of a love life. i don't even want a relationship right now, i'm not really ready to be a good partner myself, and i'm not in a place where i could fully reap the benefits of having one either, so why do i feel like i'm missing out?
and, god i know i sound like somewhat of a loser, but reading romantic stories and hearing about friends' relationships are two completely separate things, too. i'm not missing a real life relationship, i'm feeling 'FOMO' over those dramatic and passionate and highly unrealistic relationships in fictional works. idk, the other night i also had a dream where i fought and then romanced a dragon. kinda hard to find one of those in real life too.
for now i'm just trying to enjoy the journey and not stress so much about where i'm going. i have a few goals, like maybe getting a job as soon as possible, and moving to a more central area. i'm doing my best to start writing again, and while i don't have much to show for it, i feel like i'm finally getting somewhere with it.
so what was the point of this entry? yes, i wanted to complain about reading tropey love stories and feel like my real life didn't live up to that. then a little detour into what most of us are definitely experiencing with comparing ourselves to everyone around us and on social media supposedly living their best lives. then just me being frustrated with life not being like the stories i read and think up as well. i guess that's why my friend's words comforted me so much, like a reminder that it might not be that strange to feel a little bit like an alien, like someone who doesn't know how to live life on earth, because it feels a bit wrong, or maybe it's just me who doesn't fit in.
but if so many others feel the same way, then maybe there isn't as much wrong with me as i thought.
i think particularly for queer and lgbt people, it's normal to feel like your youth or teen years don't really match up with what society tells us its supposed to be like. many of us don't experience our many "firsts" until years after people normally do, or the people in the movies at least. and with the effect of social media, i don't even think you need to be lgbt to feel behind compared to the rest of the world as a young adult, not with how everyone is constantly showing us all of their victories and carefully curated parts of their lives, leaving out their own failures and doubts, making us think there must be something wrong with us in particular.
Social media got 23 year olds thinking they already failed in life 🤦🏽♂️... your life just starting fr
— cs_king (@citystarking_) July 18, 2020
I fell over this tweet a few days ago too, and, being 23 myself, it made me laugh a little. it also made me feel less alone about feelign completely and utterly hopeless and behind on most areas in life. just recently, i went to a high school class reunion, and i was the only one with a masters degree already, which isn't really a surprise. part of me felt like i had wasted time just rushing through school, with little to no experience with working, living by myself, romantic partners, and having traveled less than most of my ex-classmates despite that being one of my main interests. on the other hand, i got told several times that night that i was the grown up and that they felt behind.
life, of course, isn't some competition or weird game where you can level up and become a proper adult when you've cleared a list of tasks (partner✓, move out✓, degree✓, full time job✓, etc). and what works for others might not work for you, either, so comparing ourselves to everyone else, or the little vignettes of their lives they willingly share with us, doesn't really make any sense.
something else i saw on the day i read the webtoon and my reading-induced hopelessness was at its highest was a question my old friend answered on her instagram story (she's become instagram famous these last few years and have a lot of young fans) about being so successful in life as a young adult. her answer was that she actually felt like some sort of alien who wasn't good at all at being human, that she felt too much and got upset all of the time. now, this girl, whom i used to be very close to, is an influencer as her main source of income and earns much more than i do, is known for being rich and maybe a bit airheaded, and doing pretty much nothing but traveling, eating out and looking cute with her boyfriend. i'm not trying to make any statement about how easy her life it, but rather about how she does seem to have "made it" according to a lot of people, or at least live a pretty comfortable life with the ability to pursue whatever dreams she has (like the webshop she opened). even when i was close to her, i always thought she seemed like the kind of person who just walked through life with very few obstacles due to her sweet and easygoing nature, so it did surprise me a bit, but it also made me, once again, feel much less alone and much more like feeling lost is more the norm than the exception to the rule for young adults.
i think, despite how we would all like to come off to others as having it all figured out, or at least on our way towards our long-term goals (do i even have those? i'm still not sure i'm going to make it to 25), most of us are just trying to do our best. and with how the world is doing right now, that's all we can ask for.
ugh, this post took a turn in the wrong direction, maybe because i've been unemployed for like 3 weeks now and i'm not enjoying it, or because even now i'm still way too embarrassed to admit the fact that i just wanted to vent out my frustrations about my insecurities over my complete lack of a love life. i don't even want a relationship right now, i'm not really ready to be a good partner myself, and i'm not in a place where i could fully reap the benefits of having one either, so why do i feel like i'm missing out?
and, god i know i sound like somewhat of a loser, but reading romantic stories and hearing about friends' relationships are two completely separate things, too. i'm not missing a real life relationship, i'm feeling 'FOMO' over those dramatic and passionate and highly unrealistic relationships in fictional works. idk, the other night i also had a dream where i fought and then romanced a dragon. kinda hard to find one of those in real life too.
for now i'm just trying to enjoy the journey and not stress so much about where i'm going. i have a few goals, like maybe getting a job as soon as possible, and moving to a more central area. i'm doing my best to start writing again, and while i don't have much to show for it, i feel like i'm finally getting somewhere with it.
so what was the point of this entry? yes, i wanted to complain about reading tropey love stories and feel like my real life didn't live up to that. then a little detour into what most of us are definitely experiencing with comparing ourselves to everyone around us and on social media supposedly living their best lives. then just me being frustrated with life not being like the stories i read and think up as well. i guess that's why my friend's words comforted me so much, like a reminder that it might not be that strange to feel a little bit like an alien, like someone who doesn't know how to live life on earth, because it feels a bit wrong, or maybe it's just me who doesn't fit in.
but if so many others feel the same way, then maybe there isn't as much wrong with me as i thought.