ruico

I think it was creeping up on me slowly, that feeling you never really can avoid I think, when you like creating things. Questioning whether you are good enough, if there really is room in this world for what you make and want to make.

It's ironic, cause I think we all agree on the classic tumblr cake meme, where one person is busy comparing their cake to a fancier one, and someone else is like "nice, two cakes!!!" -- Something I also really enjoy about this analogy is how you can also technically have the fanciest, prettiest, most decorated and maybe even best made cake, but if the person eating just wants a messy, hastily thrown together cake of a specific, different flavour, then that cake might even be a lot more enjoyable for them. So of course there's room for all of the cakes! 

Even so, I found myself wondering this after seeing yet another tweet about this one particular author in the fandom I have recently joined. I haven't read any fics, and therefore I also haven't read theirs, but I've read a few summaries of fics, including their famous one, and they all sounded amazing! I wish I could instead be excited about all of the different cakes, rather than worry about wasting my timeputting out my own cakes, as if anyone would ever be like "why would someone post ANOTHER fic of them... urgh" like I don't think anyone (worth listening to, at least) would complain about having more content, even if it isn't particularly to their tastes.

It's not just with writing that this recent feeling of inferiority has taken a hold of me. I play a few ttrpgs at the moment, and I keep feeling like every time I open my mouth, I am simply wasting time or energy from others, and that they must all be annoyed, waiting for me to finish so they can go on with the actually exciting stuff. My dear friend is GM in both games, and in one we have been toying with the idea of my char romancing one of their NPCs, but I'm so anxious that even when they literally hand me the poor lad on a silver platter, I panic and drag things out. I enjoy slow burn and I don't want to force anything either, but I really just... idk, I just constantly fear that people will suddenly realise that they're wasting time on me and get annoyed with me for having taken up so much of theirs.

It's the same with this video game we are playing. I know my friend and I are both constantly scared of dragging the others down, but I just constantly feel this, and it's taking so much away from my pleasure of playing, which also makes me feel guilty. I just worry again that they are frustrated with me for not being able to keep up, even though I know sometimes that it isn't the case. Other times I can't help but feel that it really is, and that I should ... idk, get my shit together and leave them alone. I know my friends like playing with me! I think even if am kind of worse, they probably wouldn't mind. If not, why would they always ask me to play with them, yk? They could just not do that. Ah... they are generally really good at letting me know they would want to play with me, cause it's not like I'm forcing them to, and reminding myself of this really helps. (╥ᆺ╥；)

Idk, I think it's good to write these things out, exactly cause it slowly leads me to the whole conclusion thing of like, yeah dude, you might feel this way and that's fine, but also look at the facts. You aren't bothering people by existing! 

And writing all this out, I also think it's a good time to remind myself that I am having all these feelings because I am currently stepping out of my comfort zone and pushing myself! Wow! I am playing ttrpgs with others, I am pushing myself and playing competitively in games, and I am writing again! Finally. And the mind is afraid of the unknown, so naturally it is telling me to be careful, to sneak back to the safety of my comfort zone, but I am growing! I am pushing my boundaries, slowly and painfully, but continuing to do so!

Hello everyone.

This summer I returned to writing by joining a fandom exchange for a smaller ship I really enjoy. It was so much fun, mostly just stress, but it forced me to finally post something, and I'm so happy I did!
I also joined two other challenges -- the july break bingo and 3 word apocalypse -- neither of which I succeeded with. I actually did start writing a lot for the jbb, but because of the exchange deadline being around the same time, I had to give up on it.

I don't really mind not succeeding on the challenges -- well, the 3wa I didn't even touch, I might do something with my prompts later, but the jbb, I really felt good working on several ideas that I also plan on finishing later. I feel like this summer was a good kick start back into writing -- it was so far from perfect, but it was a start, and I'm doing my best to keep it going, even if I'm not perfectly consistent with my goals.

My friend recommended me a podcast episode about motivation and discipline. God, I want to talk more about it later probably, but one thing from it that really resonated with me was when they talked about how people always imagine having done something when they try to motivate themselves to do it, rather than doing it in the moment -- standing on the scene after preparing the show, running across the finish line, etc. Not the long hours of practice, early morning training runs, etc. The harder parts that actually make them succeed. I'm pretty lucky in relation to my writing goals, as I do not really have a specific "finish this novel and publish it" goal or something like that in mind, I really just want to write and enjoy it. I do think I have a few goals, such as writing XYZ story, and I think when I imagine doing those, it's mostly always posting them and getting feedback, rather than the arduous task of, you know, writing the goddamn thing. So right now I'm really just focused on enjoying the act of writing itself, or at least leaning into it, rather than constantly focusing on an end goal for it. I've tried doing the "okay, just write X amount of time or words a day and you're good" thing so many times, but I've failed so often, but for some reason this time I'm having an easier time. I'm definitely not doing it every single day or perfectly consistent, or writing as much as I want to, but it's really been helping me get working and stay more consistent.

I don't have much else to talk about regarding my writing right now. I'm in this weird middle place in my life, so I don't have one particular obsession or thing I want to work on, so I jump around a bit, but I'm just trying to enjoy the ride and do what I can. Hopefully I will settle on something soon enough, if not I will sit down and decide it, probably next week. (⁎˃ᆺ˂)

Sorry, there's not really much to this post either, I think I just wanted to write SOMETHING, cause I keep doing this thing where I start a post, but then never finish cause it doesn't feel completely right. For now, I will go write for 15 minutes once again, and then go straight to bed. I hope you are all having a good time and writing as you want to as well.

Hey! I'm still checking the snowflake challenge every few days, I'm just feeling a bit uninspired, and the recent prompts, while wonderful, have me struggling a little bit. I think in general many of the challenges have had me realising how bad my relationship with fandom has gotten, since I sort of had no idea what to recommend, even if there is (obviously) some (a lot) fanworks I enjoy.
I really want to interact with people too, that's the whole reason why I joined snowflake, and I already think I've talked to some really cool people, so I'm grateful -- but still excited to continue and keep talking to more people. Right now I just don't really have the energy for it.

I did ok today, though! I showered and changed my bedsheets, and... well, lol, saying it out loud doesn't make it sound as great as it felt when I finally did it, lol, but I also cleaned the kitchen a bit, and this kind of stuff really does wonders for me. I hope I can continue cleaning my place tomorrow, so it'll be all nice and neat for next week.

Work wise I'm doing pretty alright too, I extended my contract another year, and my boss and coworkers seemed really happy, which made me feel good and welcomed too -- which is also the main reason why I wanted to stay, lol. I don't really feel like I have that many huge issues in my life right now, at least not any at the forefront of my mind, but my mood still plummets quite often rn, because I started feeling very conflicted about what I'm into. I think I was quite spoiled in older fandoms, oftentimes being into the most popular things, and if not, being in fandoms that were at least very welcoming of rarepairs and gen content. Idk... It's probably just my own issues, but at the moment I keep questioning myself and my choices, because from the beginning I was told that X was better than Y, even though I liked Y from the start. I can't even do the usual "enjoying things with just my friends" because none of my friends are into the exact same things as I am, and it's sort of just made me feel worse. And I'm not quite ready to make new friends in the fandom, because so many people are so goddamn awful, lol. I don't know. I probably just have to relax and do something else. Like catch up on my writing goal for the month, or read a book like I wanted to. There's actually a book waiting for me at the library! It'll be my second time attempting to read it, lol, but I'd like to think that my attention span has gotten better again since last.

If all that fails, I also just restarted an old game I never finished. It's so scary and atmospheric, I adore it!! 

I hope you guys are doing good, talk to you soon, hopefully! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

Slowly catching up! Since I wasn't feeling ... being online or existing in general, I hadn't checked out snowflake challenge and missed this and the next challenge completely, so I haven't had time to think much about it!



ヾ(｡ꏿ﹏ꏿ)ﾉﾞ<- me realising I can't come up with anything... I've really been struggling with fandom for a long while, lol!

I guess I have a little bit -- despite things getting bad for a while, I'm really happy I didn't lose my love for the game I am currently into. I also did start writing last year, even if I didn't quite reach my goal. I was super close, though! And I wrote a lot more than I expected. I also started drawing a bit again, and while I slowed down a bit on that front again and haven't really felt much progress, I remember looking through a notebook where I saw two sketches and thought not bad. This is quite a rare feeling for me! (~˘▾˘)~

In general, I guess what I most think of when looking back is the bad times, and there were sort of a lot of those, fandom wise. I still had a really good time playing the game I enjoyed, and I had a lot of personal wins in my life, such as new job and apartment, so I don't want to complain. And I'm really hopeful about this coming year! 

Crying... I forgot to do 6 before 7. Hopefully I can change up the order lol! 


Sadly I will not be able to show anything off, but I have a project I finally started working on that I've wanted to do for a while! It's some fairly simple graphic prints that I wanted to make and hang up in my bathroom (lol), and they are all fandom related (specifically, star trek, star wars, mass effect). Ah... I really hope it turns out how I hoped. Since I haven't finished I can't share, but I'll show the results when it's done!! I'm really excited, I find it super fun and it'll be personal to me. Can't wait to look up at them and smile whenever I take a shit. (´꒳`)

I'm gonna settle on three things, as mentioned in the challenge post as a possibility, because that's much easier.

1. friends who are into this otome game I've recently gotten into. I miss fandoms for this, I feel like people in the circles I see tend to shame them a bit, and I am all for 100% self indulgent shit.

2. accountability/general fic discussion friends/chats. I used to be in a group chat with some friends where we would do word wars and talk about our fics when needed, but decided to leave it after I went through some stuff and no longer enjoyed it.

3. book clubs and/or new writing challenges!

Maybe the loneliest-sounding list ever, lol! Thing is, recently I haven't been trying to find specific fancontent as much as I have been wishing for -- not quite seeking yet -- communities to share my love with.
For a while I've been mainly in isolation mode, trying to just focus on what I like for myself, but I've definitely started missing talking about stuff with people, even if we necessarily aren't into the exact same stuff. Maybe that actually makes it easier, because then there's no weirdness about maybe disagreeing over stuff, just people doing their own things, but together.

I'm definitely taking it slow with fandom friends, because right now my main focus is to just enjoy fandom, which is also why a goal of mine is looking more into developing friendships in general that I can do fandom with, not looking for specific fandom friends that I only talk to about a current interest.

I don't even have any fan content wishes per se at the moment, since I barely read as is, and I have no particular wishes about fan art or other things either.

Really excited to look into other people's posts, I think that's still my favourite part of the snowflake challenge! Even though I probably will not be of much help with getting any wishes fulfilled.

Hello again! A little snowfinch let me know that I could wait with my list that I mentioned on day 1 because there'd be a challenge that matched up quite well, and lo and behold! I didn't have to wait long.

It just so happens that I am not quite ready to write out all of my goals, and I don't think all will be public either, but I was thinking I could do some writing and fannish goals for the challenge!


As mentioned, this will mainly be fannish/writing goals. I am working on setting goals for the future, and tried to divide mine into different areas after watching this one youtube video about vision boards. I wrote down a few notes for my fannish and creative areas, writing being under the latter (and, I guess you could say under the first one too, in a way).

For 'fannish' I mainly wrote down two things:

I want to post more on dreamwidth, and I want to be regularly active on here in general.

I want to start posting again on AO3. I didn't actually post anything at all in 2021, and while I know why and don't regret this, I definitely miss sharing my works, and I also miss reading other people's!

The only other platform I actively use is twitter. Currently, I only lurk outside of sometimes updating my personal, and I haven't really thought further about how I want to use Twitter fannishly, or if I want to. I think it's a super draining platform, especially with the way people are on there nowadays, so I'll leave this up for future Rui to figure out.

Writing-wise, I wanted my 'main' goal to be getting around 10k words down each month. I signed up for the 150k-pledge on getyourwordsout, which was the closest one to my monthly goal.

Apart from that, I want to branch out and write in several fandoms again, enjoy that I fall for microfandoms, and then I'd like to focus on writing more than just fanfic -- I want to get back into writing poetry, music, and everything else my heart desires.

I was planning on getting this down in a way more structured format, but alas, that is not happening right now.

Hopefully at some point I'll be able to make a more general goals-post with an actual list, and I'm still quite happy that I already know the direction of my fannish and writing-goals for the year.

ahh.. so i got a new job. i'm starting next week!
it's pretty exciting, i think it'll be very fun! but naturally, i'm also absolutely terrified of starting and not being able to live up to their requirements.

 i lost my last job because of depression, at the end it got so bad i would just go to sleep and unconsciously do everything wrong, even the stuff i knew how to do right. i hated it, it was like the definition of sisyphean, same kind of work every day with nothing to show for it that made me feel like what i did mattered.
so, yeah, i had many reasons to hate the old job, which is what i'm telling myself as a reminder that the new one will be different.

another part of me, though, is terrified that i'm just unable to hold a full time job. i got through uni just fine, because i never had trouble learning or picking stuff up fast, even when i hadn't studied at all, but problem is i was lucky enough to be able to not study and still do well on exams, and for jobs you have to work those XX hours a week, and i'm scared that it'll drain me and i'll end up screwing up again.

on the other side, new job means i'll be able to afford things i haven't in a while. i wanted to get an ipad, and i should start saving up for a new place too, since my contract ends at the end of the year, and i want to live closer to the city. another good thing is also that it's actually only a 1 year contract for now, meaning that if it isn't my thing, i won't have to continue after, and i'll have a good reason for only being there for that little when i apply for new jobs.
also there's a lot of different tasks, so i can try out lots of things and find out what i do want to work with as well.
right now i'm terrified, but writing things out, i believe there's definitely more positives than negatives. i also think, since i have become such a homebody, that it's really good that i have to leave my home more again now. and hopefully i'll get better at prioritising in my free time and do the things i really love.

ah.. regarding idk.. fannish life? i've been taking a break from my main fandom since it was making me upset and frustrated, and i've been enjoying myself just reading webtoons! i found one i really really like and others i enjoyed a lot as well! i might make some rec lists, i think that'd be fun considering how many i've read now haha

i went grocery shopping today and got brie and bread to bake for dipping + spicy salami, kinda like a hostel meal i shared with an australian girl in barcelona that still makes me feel rly happy to think of

i'm just trying to waste time right now, so i don't have much to say, or like a lot but not anything i can articulate right now, i think. my family have all gotten their first dose of the vaccine and i have to wait since im in the dreaded "too old and too young" age group in my country haha. so no vacation planning for me yet

been feeling a lot lately, in regards to many things, but again, nothing i can put into words at the moment, but hopefully i can write it out later to get a better idea of how im really feeling. idk man. ugh. i just want to sleep for a long time

tomorrow i can bake the brie though and be happy for a while! and good things are coming, good distractions. i'm feeling hopeful

the other day i read a twitter thread and some replies about y2k (so long ago now!!) and today i happened to watch the movie tenet since my mom rented it and we needed smth to watch that wasnt the tv show she already started that i dont want spoilers for (bridgerton, looks fun!!). anyway i finished it at home, and the whole point of "the bomb that didn't go off" also made me think of the discussions regarding y2k, or even the current world situation whenever something goes better than feared and people say "why did we put in all these restrictions?" not considering that said restrictions might be the reason as to why it went better.
anyway, i really enjoyed tenet. my mom had already watched it and said it was good, almost bondlike, but a bit 'dark' (and not like *dark* dark, but like much more Serious). i absolutely love time travel stuff, though, and the theories behind, and while this didn't go into detail about it (which i honestly prefer in movies), it was super exciting.

( spoilers ahead )

it's super exciting to think about what happened that we don't know of, or rather, what *didn't* happen that we should know of, the things that could've changed the world as we know it. the time paradox stuff really fascinates me and is also part of what i loved about omniscient reader's viewpoint, a korean webnovel (and webtoon) that i don't think i've mentioned on here, but has been the owner of my heart for a few months now. hopefully more posts about that in the future, bc i really do want to start talking on here more often, even if it's mostly just for my own entertainment.

Happy new year, by the way!!! i really hope it's better than last year, i don't think the bar can get much lower than that though.