ruico

Hey! I'm still checking the snowflake challenge every few days, I'm just feeling a bit uninspired, and the recent prompts, while wonderful, have me struggling a little bit. I think in general many of the challenges have had me realising how bad my relationship with fandom has gotten, since I sort of had no idea what to recommend, even if there is (obviously) some (a lot) fanworks I enjoy.
I really want to interact with people too, that's the whole reason why I joined snowflake, and I already think I've talked to some really cool people, so I'm grateful -- but still excited to continue and keep talking to more people. Right now I just don't really have the energy for it.

I did ok today, though! I showered and changed my bedsheets, and... well, lol, saying it out loud doesn't make it sound as great as it felt when I finally did it, lol, but I also cleaned the kitchen a bit, and this kind of stuff really does wonders for me. I hope I can continue cleaning my place tomorrow, so it'll be all nice and neat for next week.

Work wise I'm doing pretty alright too, I extended my contract another year, and my boss and coworkers seemed really happy, which made me feel good and welcomed too -- which is also the main reason why I wanted to stay, lol. I don't really feel like I have that many huge issues in my life right now, at least not any at the forefront of my mind, but my mood still plummets quite often rn, because I started feeling very conflicted about what I'm into. I think I was quite spoiled in older fandoms, oftentimes being into the most popular things, and if not, being in fandoms that were at least very welcoming of rarepairs and gen content. Idk... It's probably just my own issues, but at the moment I keep questioning myself and my choices, because from the beginning I was told that X was better than Y, even though I liked Y from the start. I can't even do the usual "enjoying things with just my friends" because none of my friends are into the exact same things as I am, and it's sort of just made me feel worse. And I'm not quite ready to make new friends in the fandom, because so many people are so goddamn awful, lol. I don't know. I probably just have to relax and do something else. Like catch up on my writing goal for the month, or read a book like I wanted to. There's actually a book waiting for me at the library! It'll be my second time attempting to read it, lol, but I'd like to think that my attention span has gotten better again since last.

If all that fails, I also just restarted an old game I never finished. It's so scary and atmospheric, I adore it!! 

I hope you guys are doing good, talk to you soon, hopefully! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

 Happy new year!

I originally wanted to start out the new year with a list of goals or things i wanted to do in 2022 (and onwards) but remembered the snowflake challenge. Since I'm not ready to do the final list, I figured I could start with this. Of course, the challenge proved to be a lot harder than initially expected.



Hello! The main reason why I didn't already make a sticky or an introduction post is that I really suck at stuff like this, it's kind of like when people ask you to put on a song and you're like "music? I've never heard a song in my life" and you instantly forget everything you've ever jammed out to.
An identity? Hobbies? Interests? Not sure that's something I have. Anyway, for the basics, I am Rui, I'm fine with any pronouns, I'm in my mid twenties, and I work as a legal consultant. I've been in fandom spaces for a little over a decade, but mainly started out in local fandoms -- also, I am not a native English speaker, so apologies if my English ever bothers or confuses you, haha. 

I've been in animanga fandoms since 2015, and I've always been a huge fan of video games, which is currently what I'm mainly into fandom wise as well. I, like many others, started playing Genshin Impact in 2021, and it's got a tight hold of me since then. I enjoy all things Genshin, pretty much -- farming, exploring, creating fancontent, theorizing and lore, etc. One thing I'm not so good at is engaging with the fandom. I find it absolutely terrifying, so I'm not actually sure this will ever be happening apart from just talking to a handful of people about it.

Apart from that, I also am very into webnovels, manhwa/manhua/manga, and am trying to get back into watching anime again as well. I'm a big fan of isekai, action, fantasy, and romance. I think I already made a few recommendations ages ago, but I'd like to get a lot better at using this journal, also for going back to see my own thoughts on what I've read and enjoyed.

I don't just want to get back into anime and tv shows, I also am trying to read more again (not counting webnovels and webtoons), and I have a long list of to read books that I want to get through. And I'd love more recommendations any time!

I don't think I currently have any 'main fandoms outside of Genshin Impact, but I'd like to get more into just writing for things I enjoy, such as: Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint, The King's Avatar, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Honkai Impact 3rd, webnovels, etc.



Recent years, I find myself quite terrified with all the new big fandoms popping up, not that I don't enjoy the contents (see: Genshin Impact), and I remember back in 2015 when I first returned to being active-active in fandoms, where it all started with a mobile-game micofandom. I quite enjoy microfandoms and just creating for my own passion and the handful of other people who are as obsessed with the thing as I am, so I'd like to get back into just enjoying what I want and making fancontent for what I want, such as webnovels or manhwa that barely has any transformative fandoms.

I'm not really sure what this year will hold for me fandom wise, but I'm trying to make it a goal to start reading, playing, and watching more new things again. And to get better at just enjoying stuff at my own pace, because last year I got really stressed with fandom on twitter.

This journal will mainly just be about things I like or find interesting atm -- probably very often fandom stuff, writing related things, etc. You are welcome to join me, comment, or start a conversation any time. :)

This might not be the best fandom information update, but maybe one day I'll actually make a pinned post or write a proper profile -- this was a good exercise for me, though. I'm obviously still trying to figure out where I'm going from here, though.

 my last public post is from jan this year. that's not including all the drafts i wrote out and deleted before posting, or the posts i did publish on private and/or deleted shortly after. much like the state of my dw, i also haven't been able to write much either in general. i've been busy with university (so i guess i have been writing in a way), and at this point i think all of us have been going through a lot this year, so i don't even need to get into any personal matters.

My biggest uni project is coming to an end, though, and recently i've refound my passion for reading, at least within a particular genre and type of work. i'm really hoping to branch out again when i have more time for myself, and i'm really hoping to finally get back into writing again.
i've had a lot of ideas and thoughts abt it recently, so hopefully i'll be able to get started again soon!

something that has cheered me up this year when i felt like i had lost the spark permanently was:


it's a quote i remembered when talking to a friend, and it really helped me calm down and stop beating myself up about not writing all of the time. 

there's also another thing i wanted to talk about regarding writing and creating in times like these (when it feels like the whole world is on fire), but i'll save that for another time.

for now, i will do my best to finish what i'm currently going through, since i'm finally near the finish line, and i'll forgive myself for not being able to do all the other things i've wanted to until then. i'm ready to move on and start anew.

 This week, I caught myself with a problem I had struggled with a lot the last few years, one that I had promised myself not to fall for again, but yet still did. I think I've gotten a lot smarter through the years regarding a lot of life stuff, but somehow I still managed to make this mistake not once, not twice, but... well, I'm not counting anymore.

I tend to only have a very small group of close friends, and whenever these close friends (rarely more than 2) are distant, busy, or possibly even fighting with me, I am left with... absolutely nothing. And while I know I'm an introvert with a capital I and need a lot of alone time, I also get lonely very fast if I feel like others are avoiding me. It's not really anyone's fault, and at this point I am able to tell myself that this person doesn't suddenly hate me out of nowhere but is simply busy with work or something, but I'm also very anxious and a tad paranoid, lmao, so I'm not sure how well I'm succeeding with convincing myself.
Of course, actually talking to my friends about this problem is pretty out of the question for me, because I'm also terrified of seeming clingy or annoying them until they actually no longer like me. Also, I'm very aware that I'm being a hypocrite, since, again, I need a lot of alone time and will also disappear from the face of the earth once in a while to try and cope with existing, haha.

I have one friend who was very aware after I awkwardly one day asked her if she was mad at me and she replied with "oh shit, I forget how you get when this happens, I'm so sorry!" and just. Filled me with words of affirmation, and god, I felt so seen and a little bit ridiculous, but it worked, and I was very thankful. She was aware that I got scared and didn't tease me for it or judge me for mistrusting our bond, and while she doesn't keep this in mind every single time, I also don't mind, because I'd never expect that of her, and just knowing that I can ask her if I get too scared is really, really comforting. 

I also know that a pretty easy solution to this problem would be to get more friends, not necessarily close friends, but just some friends so I'd always have some people around to talk to, but recently I've realised just how bad I am at making friends, especially because I noticed that I only had those 2 (point 5? lmao) close friends I talked to regularly, and because a friend told me she was jealous that I had so many online friends and I had to tell her I hadn't actually really gotten close to a new person for the last 2 years. 
I miss old me! I know it also has to do with the fact that I no longer create in fandom and I no longer really talk to strangers, but dammit is it hard to get started again. It feels like fandom spaces moved on without me and I'm still stuck, two years behind everyone else and unable to catch up.
But I want to change that, I think I mentioned that I finally recently started tweeting again on a public twitter and realised it wasn't going to kill me. I want to start writing again, and feel okay talking to strangers and friends, and to stop questioning everything. Looking back I realise I've gotten through a lot of things the last few years, and I've made a lot of improvements, so this doesn't even seem like the hardest thing for me to do. I think it's possible.

See: other mistakes I keep making and promising myself to get better at, only to find myself in a pretty similar situation 2 years later: growing apart and having trouble dealing with suddenly being not-close with a friend I used to be very close to; being unable to make a choice and leaving myself hanging inbetween so I cannot let go or fully enjoy something either; giving people who definitely aren't interested in improving a second chance; trying to catch up with classes and going overboard first week only to burn out and give up after that (instead of taking it slow lmao); dieting (oof) and many others.