invisibility and inevitability

[ruico]

I've made (most of) my previous posts private because I'm feeling... idk. I am struggling with words lately. Of course, I'm struggling with a lot of other things, probably a big reason as to why I'm struggling with my words, but I think (hope) that I am at least going somewhere with what I'm doing.
I want to be okay with my online presence.
Identity problems aren't really anything new for me, and I keep thinking "I just have to do this or that and it'll be fixed!" but it's rarely that simple. In general, I've actually been really bad at sticking to a choice or taking a big leap, keeping it safe most of the time and therefore never really making any meaningful change. Well, recently a lot of things have happened and I've made a lot of choices that I normally would've never been brave enough to. I've always been terrified of regretting doing things, but I'm very tired of regretting doing nothing.

I am writing this post after realising that a choice I've made is now permanent and that I am probably kind of sad about it, even though it probably won't make much of a difference anyway. I also made another choice earlier today -- replying to a tweet on my public twitter that I almost forgot existed -- and while I'm not sure it was the right one or how comfortable I feel about it, I realised that... it really wasn't that big of a deal. Life goes on. And that can be a good thing too. I can't avoid people forming their own opinions about me that don't align perfectly with my own perception, and that's both a comfort and a nightmare. I saw this tweet earlier today and had a good laugh, because it puts my discomfort into words (in a humorous way too). I think my mind has reached a conclusion a la 'Life sucks, now what can we do about it?' and it feels like a call to action.
Anyway, yeah, I want to be on here more often and be comfortable with it too without second-guessing every word. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it, but I'm excited. 

Comments

[prixmium]

Boy do I know how that wanting to be comfortable with my online presence thing feels. Good luck with it!

I think that finding a place where one doesn't feel completely alone but not exposed to random strangers at any and all times is the ideal, but it's easier said than done. I think that one reason I like this format above others even though I wish it were more popular and didn't feel like such a niche is that you can still curate your experience and exposure no matter how popular something is.

[ruico]

ooh, you're super right about that!
Most platforms used by fandoms nowadays do feel sort of made for you to be able to see content from users you haven't chosen to follow or see, whereas on here you have to actively seek something out (aka. it's a lot easier to avoid the stuff you don't want to see :D). I still haven't really gotten used to using this site, but it's definitely a lot more comfortable for me, and I'm excited to tailor my own experience on here and get properly into it! And hopefully it'll get a bit more popular again.

[prixmium]

I really wish there were a way to get the concept back out there to fandom as it is today, but I think that so many people are accustomed to only firing off tweet-length comments that they think they couldn't participate with anything worthy of a whole blog. I think that's stupid, of course, but people are anxious about things that they think require commitment, even though endlessly scrolling down a dash/timeline is far more of a timesink than doing this is in my experience.

[ruico]

I think you're right, sadly. also just having to like, sit down and consume content (not fanfic, since people have ao3 for that now) that is longer than the small character limit of twitter.. I hear so many artists complain about it too, because even if it might take hours to create something, we can easily just consume it within seconds and then scroll on. also, I think tumblr (and now twitter) sort of also made us used to being able to simply reblog/-tweet something, so we didn't actually have to offer something to the conversation? which both makes it easier but is also kind of sad, because it's not as engaging for most of us.
Also, I'm so sorry for only replying now >.<
And I can definitely feel myself still struggling with what you just mentioned too, like is this even worthy of a post, etc, whereas tweeting feels less committal, and less people are going to question (in my head) why I bothered to tweet it in the first place, because it takes so little time and thought anyway, but it makes me feel so distanced from people too, since most of the contact with others I have is just likes, and that's... not much