![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ruico This week, I caught myself with a problem I had struggled with a lot the last few years, one that I had promised myself not to fall for again, but yet still did. I think I've gotten a lot smarter through the years regarding a lot of life stuff, but somehow I still managed to make this mistake not once, not twice, but... well, I'm not counting anymore.
I tend to only have a very small group of close friends, and whenever these close friends (rarely more than 2) are distant, busy, or possibly even fighting with me, I am left with... absolutely nothing. And while I know I'm an introvert with a capital I and need a lot of alone time, I also get lonely very fast if I feel like others are avoiding me. It's not really anyone's fault, and at this point I am able to tell myself that this person doesn't suddenly hate me out of nowhere but is simply busy with work or something, but I'm also very anxious and a tad paranoid, lmao, so I'm not sure how well I'm succeeding with convincing myself.
Of course, actually talking to my friends about this problem is pretty out of the question for me, because I'm also terrified of seeming clingy or annoying them until they actually no longer like me. Also, I'm very aware that I'm being a hypocrite, since, again, I need a lot of alone time and will also disappear from the face of the earth once in a while to try and cope with existing, haha.
I have one friend who was very aware after I awkwardly one day asked her if she was mad at me and she replied with "oh shit, I forget how you get when this happens, I'm so sorry!" and just. Filled me with words of affirmation, and god, I felt so seen and a little bit ridiculous, but it worked, and I was very thankful. She was aware that I got scared and didn't tease me for it or judge me for mistrusting our bond, and while she doesn't keep this in mind every single time, I also don't mind, because I'd never expect that of her, and just knowing that I can ask her if I get too scared is really, really comforting.
I also know that a pretty easy solution to this problem would be to get more friends, not necessarily close friends, but just some friends so I'd always have some people around to talk to, but recently I've realised just how bad I am at making friends, especially because I noticed that I only had those 2 (point 5? lmao) close friends I talked to regularly, and because a friend told me she was jealous that I had so many online friends and I had to tell her I hadn't actually really gotten close to a new person for the last 2 years.
I miss old me! I know it also has to do with the fact that I no longer create in fandom and I no longer really talk to strangers, but dammit is it hard to get started again. It feels like fandom spaces moved on without me and I'm still stuck, two years behind everyone else and unable to catch up.
But I want to change that, I think I mentioned that I finally recently started tweeting again on a public twitter and realised it wasn't going to kill me. I want to start writing again, and feel okay talking to strangers and friends, and to stop questioning everything. Looking back I realise I've gotten through a lot of things the last few years, and I've made a lot of improvements, so this doesn't even seem like the hardest thing for me to do. I think it's possible.
See: other mistakes I keep making and promising myself to get better at, only to find myself in a pretty similar situation 2 years later: growing apart and having trouble dealing with suddenly being not-close with a friend I used to be very close to; being unable to make a choice and leaving myself hanging inbetween so I cannot let go or fully enjoy something either; giving people who definitely aren't interested in improving a second chance; trying to catch up with classes and going overboard first week only to burn out and give up after that (instead of taking it slow lmao); dieting (oof) and many others.
I tend to only have a very small group of close friends, and whenever these close friends (rarely more than 2) are distant, busy, or possibly even fighting with me, I am left with... absolutely nothing. And while I know I'm an introvert with a capital I and need a lot of alone time, I also get lonely very fast if I feel like others are avoiding me. It's not really anyone's fault, and at this point I am able to tell myself that this person doesn't suddenly hate me out of nowhere but is simply busy with work or something, but I'm also very anxious and a tad paranoid, lmao, so I'm not sure how well I'm succeeding with convincing myself.
Of course, actually talking to my friends about this problem is pretty out of the question for me, because I'm also terrified of seeming clingy or annoying them until they actually no longer like me. Also, I'm very aware that I'm being a hypocrite, since, again, I need a lot of alone time and will also disappear from the face of the earth once in a while to try and cope with existing, haha.
I have one friend who was very aware after I awkwardly one day asked her if she was mad at me and she replied with "oh shit, I forget how you get when this happens, I'm so sorry!" and just. Filled me with words of affirmation, and god, I felt so seen and a little bit ridiculous, but it worked, and I was very thankful. She was aware that I got scared and didn't tease me for it or judge me for mistrusting our bond, and while she doesn't keep this in mind every single time, I also don't mind, because I'd never expect that of her, and just knowing that I can ask her if I get too scared is really, really comforting.
I also know that a pretty easy solution to this problem would be to get more friends, not necessarily close friends, but just some friends so I'd always have some people around to talk to, but recently I've realised just how bad I am at making friends, especially because I noticed that I only had those 2 (point 5? lmao) close friends I talked to regularly, and because a friend told me she was jealous that I had so many online friends and I had to tell her I hadn't actually really gotten close to a new person for the last 2 years.
I miss old me! I know it also has to do with the fact that I no longer create in fandom and I no longer really talk to strangers, but dammit is it hard to get started again. It feels like fandom spaces moved on without me and I'm still stuck, two years behind everyone else and unable to catch up.
But I want to change that, I think I mentioned that I finally recently started tweeting again on a public twitter and realised it wasn't going to kill me. I want to start writing again, and feel okay talking to strangers and friends, and to stop questioning everything. Looking back I realise I've gotten through a lot of things the last few years, and I've made a lot of improvements, so this doesn't even seem like the hardest thing for me to do. I think it's possible.
See: other mistakes I keep making and promising myself to get better at, only to find myself in a pretty similar situation 2 years later: growing apart and having trouble dealing with suddenly being not-close with a friend I used to be very close to; being unable to make a choice and leaving myself hanging inbetween so I cannot let go or fully enjoy something either; giving people who definitely aren't interested in improving a second chance; trying to catch up with classes and going overboard first week only to burn out and give up after that (instead of taking it slow lmao); dieting (oof) and many others.